


For I Have Sinned

by TragicLove



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Affairs, Angst, Confessional, Incest, M/M, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 15:36:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15173840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TragicLove/pseuds/TragicLove
Summary: Zac goes to confession to speak on all his sins.





	For I Have Sinned

Zac walked into the tiny room and knelt down on the hard wood. It always struck him when he walked in there how it smelled musty, just like when him and Taylor used to sneak up to their grandmas old attic to escape doing their chores. He sighed, leaning his head forward and doing the sign of the cross. He dropped his hands to his sides, leaving his head dipped forward, his eyes trained on the ground before him. 

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It’s been two years since my last confession.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, thinking maybe he’d made a mistake. Maybe he should stand back up, walk out of that musty room and go on with his life. 

“Go on, my child,” he heard the low voice from the other side of the screen. “You can speak freely here.”

“I am guilty of so many things,” Zac’s voice was barely above a whisper. “I have sinned over and over again, I am selfish and broken.”

There was a lead ball in Zac’s throat, growing larger and larger with every word. The priest was silent, all Zac could hear was his own hitched breath, the sound of all of the things he’d done wrong. 

“I have committed the mortal sin of adultry,” he continued, clenching and unclenching his hands. “For the last year and a half I have been unfaithful to my wife, the mother of my children. I’ve taken every opportunity I could and I’ve fornicated with someone else…” he squeezed his eyes closed again, the hot prickle of tears threatening to to release themselves too much to take. 

 

_The body under him was warm, their legs tangled with his, fingers intertwined. Their breath was warm and tinged with alcohol, the air around them electric. Zac’s mouth was all over their skin, kissing, nipping. He’d wanted this for so long, afraid to tell, afraid to admit to himself or any one else that when he was alone at night, the lights turned off, this was exactly what he thought about when his hand snaked inside of his boxers, his fingers wrapping around himself. And now here he was, thrusting into them while they writhed underneath him, moaning his name, a sound so much sweeter to his ears than anything else he’d ever heard._

 

“I’ve been-“ Zac stopped speaking, unsure how to word his confessions, he shook his head, bringing a hand up to his face to wipe away the tear that was rolling down his cheek. “Sleeping with someone who isn’t my wife at least twice a week. More, when I could.”

 

_“Shhh!” Zac clamped his hand down over his lovers mouth. “They’ll hear us.”_

_The one stall bathroom he’d pulled them into had thin walls and a thin door. There were 50 people in the room only a few feet away, celebrating a milestone birthday of a friend._

_“Better make it so you can’t keep making those noises,” Zac whispered in their ear, gently pushing on their shoulders, telling them exactly what he wanted._

_When their lips wrapped around him, he threw his head back, leaning it on the tile wall._

_After he came, it struck him that Kate’s face used to flash through his mind every time, but it hadn't then._

 

“I don’t know how I got here,” Zac was crying now, his shoulders shaking. “I’m not a bad man, or at least I wasn’t, once.” He knew that this wasn’t exactly how confession was supposed to go, but he didn’t know how to stop, once he started talking he couldn’t make his mouth shut. “But now, she’s left me, my wife-“ he swallowed. “And now I’m alone.”

 

_“Kate, come on, let’s talk about this,” Zac’s voice was pleading. He was following her around their bedroom as she shoved things into a bag, gathering up all of the things she would need to get away from him._

_“There’s nothing to say, Zac.”_

_He reached out and placed his fingertips on her wrist, saying her name again, but she turned towards him, slapping his hand away._

_“No! Don’t touch me. Not after-“ she shook her head, her eyes full of hate. “You don’t get to ever touch me again.”_

_“What about the kids? What about our life?”_

_“You should have been thinking about that while you were-“ her voice was sharp, dripping with condemnation. “Forget it, Zac. I have nothing left to say to you.”_

_She zipped her bag and slung it over her shoulder, shaking her head at him one last time before she walked out of their bedroom. He stood there, considering going after her until he heard the front door slam shut._

 

“There is always hope in a marriage, you are confessing your sins, and once you walk out of here, you’ll be cleared of them. It’s not too late.” The priests voice was level, free of judgement. Zac was sure he didn’t deserve that. He clasped his hands together, wringing them. 

“I’ve sinned in so many ways,” Zac tried to swallow again, the lead ball in his throat only growing. “I’ve given into temptation, lust, I’ve lied.” He gave up on wiping his tears away, they were coming too fast now. “We might have been able to come back from those things, it might not have been too late. She may have forgiven me for lying with another,” Zac brought a shaking hand to his face, covering his mouth. “I guess that’s my next sin, I guess-“ his voice joined his hand in shaking, his heart beating in double time. “I’ve committed the sin of homosexuality.” 

 

_He’d tried to deny it for years, the way the sight of him sent a shiver up his spine. The way whenever they touched, no matter how innocent, he felt a low burn simmering in the pit of his stomach. All it had taken was one drunken, lonely night for them to fall into bed together, though, and Zac couldn’t deny that. Couldn’t deny the way it had felt when their lips had touched that very first time. Couldn’t deny it now as they were wrapped up in the bedsheets, bodies slick with sweat, his hands roaming all over Zac’s body. Sure, Zac had been touched countless times, but it never sent him over the edge like this. The hands were bigger, stronger. In all of the ways that Kate was soft and delicate, he was hard and strong. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Every time they’d found themselves in this place, every time he felt his skin on his own, he had to wonder how it could feel so right._

 

“I,” Zac took in a breath, not ready to say the next words, knowing he’d never be ready. If he were going to confess them to anyone, might as well be God. “I think, no, I know now, that I’m gay.”

He’d never said the words out loud, not even to himself. He’d barely even thought them, but now that they were out there, there was no coming back. No turning around or pretending. He, Zachary Walker Hanson, was gay. 

“It gets worse,” Zac could practically hear the priests thoughts, wondering how it could possibly get worse from there. He had no idea. “This person, the- uh- man that I’ve been having an affair with…”

He was sure that once the words left his mouth the priest would slam the screen separating them shut, banish him from the church he’d spent his entire adult life attending. He’d tell the world, and then their dirty secret would be out. Everyone would forever look at them as the disgusting, broken heathens that they were. Zac supposed that it didn’t really matter now, nothing mattered anymore. 

“He’s...Taylor. Taylor, my brother.” Zac covered his eyes with his balled fists, his knuckles digging in. “And he doesn’t want me anymore either.”

 

_Taylor burst into Zac’s house, finding him sitting on the edge of his bed._

_“Zac, what is it?” Zac had sent Taylor a text telling him to come over, to get there as fast as possible._

_“She left,” Zac stood from the bed and closed the gap between him and Taylor, standing so close he could have kissed him without moving much._

_“What?”_

_“Kate, she-“ Zac waved his arm toward the door. “She packed a bag and she left. She’s gone. I’d imagine she’ll be staying with Natalie a while.”_

_Natalie and Taylor had split up a little under a year ago, Natalie unable to live with the fact that Taylor was gone more than he was around anymore. She figured that if she were going to spend most of her life alone, she might as well just be alone._

_“Oh,” Taylor nodded, backing up a foot from Zac. “So why’d you ask me all frantic to come over here?”_

_“I-“ Zac shook his head, how didn’t Taylor see it? How didn’t he know exactly what Zac was saying to him? “We can...we can finally do it, be together. For real.”_

_“What?” Taylor let out a small laugh. “You can’t be serious.”_

_Zac stared at him, his mouth opening and closing. He thought that this is what they’d wanted. All this time, they’d wished they could be together, and only together. If Zac thought about it, he realized that maybe he’d never actually heard Taylor say those words out loud. But, he thought it had gone without saying. They were supposed to be it. They were just biding their time, dealing with the lives they’d already gotten themselves wrapped up in, but if they ever had the chance, it would be them._

_“Did you really think we were going to...what?” Taylor raised an eyebrow. “Be boyfriends?”_

_“Well, I-“ suddenly Zac felt stupid, and there was nothing Zac hated more than being made to feel stupid. He had thought exactly that. He’d thought they’d spent the last year and a half falling in love, but maybe they’d only spent the last year and a half falling into bed. Maybe it was everything to him, and nothing to Taylor. And now he’d have nothing._

_“We’re never going to be together,” Taylor said, making air quotes with his fingers and rolling his eyes. “I can’t believe you really thought that was a possibility.”_

_Taylor chuckled and Zac felt his face go red. The weight of everything he’d lost in only the last hour settling down around him._

_“Get out,” he turned away from Taylor, walking back to the bed and sitting down._

_“We don’t have to stop-“_

_“Get out! Get out, just leave, Taylor.”_

_Zac looked up at Taylor, he wouldn’t cry, not here, not in front of him._

_“Okay,” Taylor shrugged, turning for the door. He stopped and turned back around, his eyes locking on Zac’s. “It’s just sex, Zac. It’s always been just sex for me.”_

 

The silence in the confessional was loud, Zac’s ears throbbing a little bit, his whole body shaking. 

“I know god will never forgive me for this,” Zac’s voice was back to a whisper, his eyes finally dry. He felt hollow inside suddenly, as if saying it all out loud finally made it set in. He was alone, he was a sinner. A sinner of the worst kind, and there would be no coming back from this. 

The priest started speaking, but Zac couldn’t make out his words, his own thoughts drowning everything around him out. _Run._ Over and over again, the word screaming in his ears. 

Zac stood, his knees cracking from spending too long on the hard wooden kneeler. 

“I have to go,” he whispered, pushing open the confessional door. 

His body pushed him forward, his limbs aching with the need to escape. He knew that when he got into his truck he’d be leaving this place, the place he’d spent his whole life, a place full of memories of times before. Before he was broken. Before he went against God, himself, what was right. He’d drive away from all he’d done, start a new life somewhere else. Far away from the hurt he’d caused. 

He didn’t know what he expected would happen by coming here and confessing, maybe a part of him thought that the load would be lifted, and he could go home and move on. Maybe he thought that by saying it all out loud, it would make things okay. But, he knew now, getting into his truck and shutting the door behind him that the only way to get rid of all the things he’d done was to put them as far behind him his possible. 

He felt a vibration in his pocket and he pulled his phone out, Taylor’s name across the screen. He tossed the phone onto the passenger seat of the truck and put the shifter into drive. 

Funny, the one thing that usually made him want to stay was the thing that pushed him to leave.


End file.
